The Stories I want to tell

I've been making movies since the end of 2019. I'd been making movies since 2015, but they weren't really "serious." It'd just be me inviting some friends over and recording literally anything on my camera. We had a semblance of the characters, but no story whatsoever. I'd shoot using my laptop screen. Place it anywhere in the room and hit record. We'd be looking at the camera and talking. There was no concept of breaking the fourth wall. But one day, I started to notice 'cuts' and 'edits' in movies, and decided it was time to change the way I approached moviemaking. 

I still remember the day I shot a small sequence of me opening my cupboard, taking out and wearing my dad's leather jacket, walking out of my house and into the lift. That was the first time I used multiple different angles and I learned so much about cuts and continuity. I showed it to my friend who I made movies with, and he was so enthralled that he asked me to play that scene over and over. That's a moment forever entrenched in my memory. 

'Cut' to many years later and I've made many short films. Before getting serious about filmmaking, I used to wonder whether I should wait for film school to really start. But I was so impatient to tell stories, that I just decided to hell with it, and go for it. And I am proud of everything I've made. Certainly not 100% satisfied. I don't think that's ever going to happen. But I've made peace with the fact that films are never finished; they're just abandoned. Despite that, I love seeing my films and noticing how I've changed over the years. How my filmmaking language has evolved over time. It's always fascinating to reflect.

And as I'm growing and continuing to learn more, I feel like I need to do something with everything I'm absorbing and picking up. The more I think and reflect on my experiences, and the more I listen to people; the more I learn new and interesting things about human behaviour. I get this sense of a greater understanding of how people function and think that makes them endlessly fascinating. And I really feel the need to do something about it. Primarily, tell a story. Make a movie. 

There are a few things that stop me from doing so. And I could list off a few external things like lack of time or resources, but I'm aware that these are just excuses. I'm not someone who reads much, and therefore feel the need to make that a habit. And that makes me feel like I'm not ready to write anything. To add onto that, it's just my genuine fear of writing that stops me. Sitting in front of that empty page is just terrifying. But I know that I have to do that in order to start somewhere. 

In all the films I've made, I don't think I've ever made something that's truly personal. Now, that's not to say my films aren't personal. There's always a personal touch to everything I make. It's inherent that my fingerprints will be in my films. But most of what I've made is something that's more plot heavy. Ranging from chase movies to action movies. I've made some films that focus on procrastination and the pressure to complete tasks on a given deadline; but very rarely do my films focus on the subjective perspective of one person. Another reason for that is my lack of confidence in telling that type of story. 

I feel like I've learned so much about the human experience that I want to represent it on screen. I'm definitely not claiming to know everything, but I do want to make something of what I happen to know. Even if I don't truly know it, I'd want to explore it through the films I make. I want to portray the complexity of emotions and feelings. How messy it can be to navigate. I want to make movies about losers; the people with no self confidence. I want to make films that focus on the uglier side of things; that represent the best and the worst of us. A question circling my mind for weeks has been about depicting loneliness on screen, and how to do it convincingly; in a way that's not sappy or flimsy. That feels like I'm capturing a genuine truth, and not a sanitised idea of what it is. I still don't know the answer to that question. But I know I won't find out until I try. Maybe I'll fail, but that's just part of the process isn't it? I can still learn so much from that failure that it makes me want to try.

I want to be able to truly express through cinema. I don't need to write an autobiography for people to know about me (I mean, who'd even read it?) I'd want them to know about me and who I am through my art. Through the films I make. It can be self therapeutic for me, and can also hopefully help me work on, and improve my craft as a storyteller.

I just want to tell grounded stories about people. And I want to show it to others, and I want them to see themselves in the film. I want people to feel seen and heard. If anyone manages to feel even a little less lonely through my films, I'd be the happiest person on earth. But as of now, I need to start somewhere. Makes less excuses, and write what I know. And let's see where that takes me...